Phone Sex:
Would Ya, Could Ya, Should Ya? - May 14, 2005
“So, baby, how ‘bout a
date?”
“That’s gross. Do you talk to a lot of
perverts?”
“Oh my God! Does your family know what
you do?”
“I have the perfect fantasy for you:
Lactation!”
“Do you get a lot of fetish calls?
You know, I have this thing for feet.”
More or
less, these are some of the predictable reactions I get
when revealing my avocation to the un-ordained. While
some (including myself) might argue that phone sex has
gone at least somewhat mainstream in recent years, it is
still not a topic you want to be bringing up at cocktail
parties. From the sincerely curious to the smugly
judgmental to the stupidly horny, assumptions are going
to be made. Not that I can complain too loudly. I’ve
surely been boorish enough a time or two (ok, maybe
three or four) to make unfounded assumptions. Yet,
having experienced these ignorance-based reactions first
hand, I cannot help but cringe when pushed into a corner
by the overly-meddlesome.
When I abandoned
my dream of graduate school (Just temporarily; I
promise, momma!) and left behind my burgeoning corporate
career to do phone sex (Say it isn’t so, you wretched,
wanton girl!), my sister, bless her beautiful heart and
bourgeois tendencies, bought me a mug, which, on the
outside, wryly asks the question, “I went to
school for years to learn to do THIS?” And,
beloved sister of mine, I do cherish that mug.
Notwithstanding my office supply fetish, it proudly
sits--next to my Rolodex--the container-of-choice for my
ink pens, letter opener, markers, nail files, orange
sticks and sundry miscellanea. I cherish it because it
reflects the reverent humor, easy flexibility, mutual
validation, and even quirky spirituality that is so
integral to whom I am and what I do both personally and
professionally.
With the advent of the
Internet and attendant proliferation of independent PSOs
(phone sex operators), the definition of good Phone Sex
has become increasingly subjective. Simultaneously, as
our world hyper-rapidly expanded, erotica and
pornography flourished, and the division between fantasy
and reality blurred. Both a blessing and a curse, it can
be quite exhilarating, yet, confusing and even a cause
for dissent amongst its practitioners. Some like it hot,
some like it cold…that kind of thing.
(On a side
note, I would think that--if nothing else--the very
nature of this non-monogamous and inexhaustible Internet
would be self-instructive: There REALLY is room for
everybody. We have more than enough do-gooder types [You
know the profile: The hypocrite who swears he is pure as
the driven snow; yet, he only cums when fucking his wife
by imagining her being raped by a double-shlonged
reindeer.] doing their best to legislate, control,
constrain, and restrict this last vestige of true
freedom of expression. Just remember this: When we
protect and champion each other, we protect and champion
ourselves.)
Now, where were we? Oh, yes! So
you’re in the mood for some wicked merrymaking. You’ve
checked out the bathroom wall at the corner gas station,
and though you could swear it used to be right there
above the condom dispenser, there is no graffiti, “For a
good time call Cocksucker Cathy.” You’ve decided to take
the leap and call a Phone Sex Operator! You want Phone
Sex and you want it NOW! You want it? We got it! Hot
phone sex, fantasy phone sex, domination phone sex,
kinky phone sex, dirty phone sex, role-play phone sex,
nasty phone sex, erotic phone sex, humiliation phone
sex, tease & denial phone sex…. Phone Sex! Phone
Sex! Phone Sex! …and more Phone Sex!
How do
you possibly weed through it all? How do you find the
perfect first connection in all of that clutter? Well,
brother, quite frankly, you don’t. You just say, “Eeny
meeny miney moe,” and take that leap of faith. After
all, brother, how hard art thou? I’m a firm believer in
going by the seat of your pants (or crotch of your
pants) when things just need to get done (or you need to
get done). Basically, you are entering a marketplace as
a consumer. And you know what they say: “Buyer, beware.”
Just like you might, time and again, visit the grocery
store until you find the perfect cookie, you may have to
shop for a while before you find, HER, the Phone Sex
Chick that blows your mind and load like no other can.
But, I do guarantee you that--until you find her--you
will have lots of dirty fun along the way. It’s sort of
like dating. It will cost you the price of a few burgers
and shakes, but who’s counting dollars & dimes when
you’re stealing some kisses, even copping a few feels
along the way? And the pay off is that sooner or later
you’re gonna get lucky!
….oh so fucking
lucky.
Take my word on it.
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